Aaron Rodgers To Resolve Future By Consulting With Coven Of Trusted Witches

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GREEN BAY, WI—Following a disappointing season during which his staff completed with a dropping report and didn’t make the postseason, Inexperienced Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers instructed reporters Thursday that he would determine his future profession plans by consulting with a coven of his trusted witches. “I have to take a while and contemplate what’s finest for me, whether or not that’s returning to the Packers, searching for a commerce, and even retirement, and I can’t make that call with out enter from the tight circle of all-powerful sorceresses who know me finest,” Rodgers mentioned of the group of 8,000-year-old crones with whom he’ll spend a number of weeks in an undisclosed, uninhabited marsh as they learn the entrails of sacrificed animals to divine his destiny. “We’ll be gathering in the course of the first blood moon, which is the best time for them to look into the crystals and see into the completely different futures I might expertise if I requested a commerce to the Raiders, Jets, or Colts, or tried to maneuver into the printed sales space. I don’t need to make this choice evenly, so I actually need to take my time with Emelda and Hexe, going via all of the incantations that may assist me choose a plan of action. I’m simply actually glad I’ve my coven of witches to assist me determine. Not solely have they been with me for the reason that starting of my profession, however in addition they created me.” At press time, Packers normal supervisor Brian Gutekunst reportedly awoke tied up in a mysterious chamber as a croaking previous feminine voice requested him whether or not he was ready to persuade Rodgers to return for an additional season because the staff’s quarterback by sacrificing backup Jordan Love.